my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Randomize
