I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
