Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
