dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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