I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
