Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
