So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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