I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We left the knife in your bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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