Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
