walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
