The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
