you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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