I murdered the dance floor call the cops
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
