I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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