I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
