We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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