what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
