I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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