Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Alive.
So much puke
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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