Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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