I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
