Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
