overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
