just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
