I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
