The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
