You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Bring me that man meat
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
