I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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