Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
