You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
