weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
