The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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