Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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