those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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