i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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