I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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