We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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