why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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