You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
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I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
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I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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