I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
