guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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