does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
