Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
