i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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