I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
