spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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