So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
