Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
