The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
