The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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