i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
