This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
