the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
