I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
