don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
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