the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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