i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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