I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
