I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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